Monday, November 20, 2006

what is wrong with people

There are a number of things that piss me off on a regular basis: the current administration, humanities unrelenting assault on our planet, david blaine...but recently i have realized something that stands out beyond all the other cocksuckery that is occuring in this world. TV commercials. there was a time when i looked forward to seeing the new generation of commercials that would premiere during the superbowl...these commercials usually set the advertising trend in America for the next year kind of the same way britney spears sets the bar for parenting time and time again. but this past year saw something different: advertising has entered into some sort of epoch of "non sequiter" ads. these basically consist of something that has nothing to do with the product being sold i.e The creepy fucking king from the burger king commercials (which there is not a GODDAMN thing that makes me want to eat burger king less than a static plastic faced man who looks as though he is about to eat my face and rape the hole where my face use to be...good thing flamebroiled still keeps me coming back) or the yaris commercials that depict computer generated rice burners usually trying to one up the other by producing a series of gadgets ( jet engines, cartoonish suction cup arrows and inexplicable flying porccupine landmines...WHAT THE FUCK!?) the problem being: NONE OF THESE THINGS COME WITH THE CAR!! if they did...i would own one, because i have always wanted to own a car that could kill the roadrunner, but the truth is, its just a car...thats it and those commercials have nothing to do with the product itself, and thus why its non sequiter advertising. but for the most part these commercials dont really bother me perse...enter Garnier Fructise...yes, the seemingly harmless fruit-tastic shampoo...these commercials depict women of various races (just in case we were all to think that the people at Garnier were facists who assumed people of color dont bathe) who are all having the most fun a woman can have in a shower without the help of AA batteries. BUT THEN, instead of just telling us that: yes this will clean your hair and yes your hair will smell of fruit and vitamin C?...i have no idea and assumably you will turn into a model...BUT THEN (i am aware that i already said this) they proceed to TIE crecent wrentches into their beautiful hair...yes TIE THEM INTO FUCKING KNOTS in order to prove that this shampoo will make your hair THAT STRONG....WHAT!? at what point in a woman's life is she in the local supermarket thinking "hmmm...well this shampoo here will make my hair clean and dandruff free and it smells like vanilla...BUT for 8 dollars more i could tie crecent wrenches into my hair, because not being able to do so would make me less of a woman and i might as well wear plaid and wear birkenstocks"...you know why you've never heard that? because it never fucking happnes! thats why...and being able to have hair that strong is reserved for superheroes and unless the people at garnier can garuntee that it will give me the ability to stop bullets with my brown beautiful locks then FUCK THEM...because having hair that strong is about as useful and impressive as david blaine when he locked himself in that box for 40 days without food or sex...thats not magic david, thats just stupid, maybe you need to reread your copperfield books....that aside i felt as though i could try my hand at this type of advertising ive been discussing so i propose this: A commercial where two men are staring at a womans vagina in the middle of a kindergarten classroom in bosnia, they stare for a moment and then the man on the right says "wow thats really dialated" at which point redbull starts shooting out in a fountain of energy drink, the kids dance and the men start having sex while britney spears drops babies on their heads there is a musical crecendo and then BOOM cut to the Bank of America logo...makes sense right? well if you dont get the obvious connection between reliable banking and a dialated vagina shooting redbull then you're just not as smart as you thought you were....

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