Sunday, August 13, 2006

robble robble motherfucker

I was recently in St.Louis and i had the opportunity to hang out with friends that i have always felt truly enjoyed my company (andy, ryan, brandon(s) you motherfuckers rock the taste right out of my grandma's mouth) and one particular night i came to a profound realization: Jack Daniels makes me face feel like punching babies....but the other realization i came to was that McDonalds is no place for kids and not just because children shouldn't be hanging out with the elderly or those who are morbidly obese (i have no problem with either the elderly or the morbidly obese)....(ok i actually dont care for the elderly all that much, there is absolutly no fucking reason that you should pay for ANYTHING with pennies or 50 cent pieces!! i mean where the fuck do you even get a 50 cent piece its almost like the elderly rob the even MORE elderly..which would be amazing to see in real life) but the real reason that children should not have anything to do with McDonalds is Ronald McDonald...the criminally insane pedophile who is constantly painting imaginary golden arches and curing kids with cancer, which truth be told is actually a very noble thing, aside from the fact that the psychological damage that this children will inccur will only slightly outweigh cancer when they are torturing animals and tucking their penises betweentheir legs telling women to 'put the lotion in the basket' , but thats another story. the most disturbing aspect of Ronald McDonalds existence is no where he is, but rather where he came from. any child of the 80's would know that for the longest time Ronald McDonald lived in some sort of McDonald-world or hamburgerville or some stupid shit like that. This place resembled the real world or rather what the real world would look like if you had eaten three handfuls of acid and smoked cotton candy...this place was constant sunshine and hamburgers and big purple asexual creatures that dont actually serve and purpose other than to confuse children about their own sexuality and probably smoke them out alongside ted nuggent. This is also a place thats is not ruled over by The Constitution of the United States or any other governing body for that matter and i know this because their mayor is a cheeseburger....holy...fucking....shit....the politcal force in this crack enduced nightmare of a town is a fucking cheeseburger, aptly named Mayor McCheese...and his faithful side kick Constabul Quarterpounder, yes thats right two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun are going to keep drugs off the street (which obviously isn't happening here) fight crime and enforce the law...the flaw being that if he ever tried to bust up a drum circle of angry hippies they would obviously devour him sesame seeds first! but even though they have this delicious public servant the one criminal and most mind boggeling aspect of this sorrid tale of obvious drug abuse that cannot be caught is the one and only Hamburglar...a man whose sole purpose in life is to burgal children's fatty foodstuffs from right under their noses. now this is just fucked up because i dont care how affable this hamburglar is but he is still a fucking criminal and a dangerous one at that. he has the appearance of someone who proably hasnt slept in days, he is always wearing the same clothes and is eternally hungry for dont have to be mr fucking rogers to understand that this guy is on dope...and lots of it. So in these commercials the lovable michael jackson...i mean ronald mcdonald, is oft hosting parties for young children and the mutants that inhabit cheeseburgerberg and when his back is turned this shifty motherfucking hamburglar robs these kids blind of their lunch! and its not as though his plans are particularly clever, ronald dipshit mcdonald usually leaves a full plater of perfect hambugers by the largest most open window available...which the hamburglar quckly realizes and snatches thus proving that his name isnt just a clever pun. and its no that act itsself that is so appaling, its how little intelligence he assumes these children and a 6' 5" clown actually have, instead of eating these hamburgers he sits outside the window of the house that he just robbed and snickers uncontrolably...whereupon ronald finds him and proceeds to kick his ass to a bloody hamburgerloving pile...ok not really..but thats how it would go down where im from, we dont deal with motherfuckers robbing our fastfood or our suspension of disbelief! but the problem is that he is never thrown into jail by constabul quarterpounder or officer mcnugget or congressman mcrib or any other public office fastfood hybrid person. im guessing mayor mcheese was too busy getting blown by a frykid to care either. but when all is said and done they let this delinquent go only to have another meal ruined twenty minutes later when the hamburglar robs them again!! get some new clothes and a better plan! he dresses like an old timey depression era chaingang hobo...but he wears a mask, a tie and a fucking GAUCHO hat in order to hide the fact that he is a criminal...on top of this he has only one phrase he mumbles over and over 'robble robble' which is some sort of proufoundly retarded way of saying 'ima rob yo bitch ass!' we have a poorly disguised obviously retarded criminal who just constantly eludes everyone in this fucked up nightmare....its no wonder ronald mcdonald ran away to the real world at least here all we have to worry about is not sure where this was going, but i dont like mcdonalds...and grimmace is a fag by the way