vivid

awoke in a panic...deep burning in my gut, the pang of fear that one feels when they have been mentally molested. horrible dream..if i had been 12 years younger i would have been crying upon my startle. Dream involved a documentary I was watching about a Bolivian revolutionary named moroco moroho (not real as far as i know) and he had been captured by the Bolivian government. The odd circumstances are this: this film i was watching had the look and feel of a very real documentary, narrator, various footage, editing, graphics,etc...and the use of both stock newsreel footage and handheld footage of this man. the first image is of this man sitting on a floor bound in olive fatigues looking up desperate and unforgiving at the camera. various shots of the poor people of Bolivia...and then the execution of the revolutionary. He is drawn and quartered, but in a very different way...the documentary cuts to a shot (old 16mm color footage) of an open field, slightly rolling hills and various men carrying automatic fire arms meandering. the focal point of this scene is a device made of what appears to be sheet meta and various other types of metal(basically anything they could get their hands on) the device looks very frankenstein in nature...there are piece protruding for the man's legs and arms and his head which is covered in a burlap sack...there is no sound to this execution. machinery pulls the ropes tight and the arm and leg pieces are ripped from the device and a hydraulic piece decapitates the head from the body. blood runs over the putrid metal...these scenes are repeated in the documentary several times....i woke up nearly screaming....this documentary seemed real and yet ostensibly was completely fabricated in my head....not sure what this implies

familiarity and small rings

Discovered that self-loathing is often contagious, not to say that i do this inccesantly, but I have found that when you think people don't like you you're usually correct. drinking alot again...not sure why, there is really no ryhme or reason other than i enjoy the feeling of being drunk and having my tongue loose at most times. watched 2046 and it destroyed my conception of chinese cinema, wong kar-wai is one of the most phenomenal directors working today "love is all a matter of timing" settling money issues as usal and keeping my head together best i can. need to talk to scott. The weather turns from heartlessly cold to mild and playful, this Chicago scene is tired and am desperately trying to restimulate myself. Europe is happening, not in the way I had planned, but this time on my own terms. The forecast calls for rain even though there isnt a cloud in the sky, Chicago is most beautiful when it rains in the winter...comparative to a novel that hasn't been written yet.

awww jesus

My typewriter comes soon...finally beating out my frustrations on a machine instead of my mail order bride will be an option...but only an option. May be going to rome this summer to study film, the process will be exactly what i feel i've needed for a long time...probably go to europe regardless...not sure...tantalizing thoughts. Being to write again, putting down the prose for a little while and picking up the scripting pen. Reading alot of David Foster Wallace..challenging read, tongue in cheek in the way he knows how academic his writing is getting ready to read oblivion...but despite his talents my lit. professor doesn't think he is a writer, rather a cocky savant...this woman is worse than oprahs book club as far as her taste in everything..she is young and feels the world owes her something and has nothing but hatred for athletes and our "special needs" (missing class for games) she hasn't learned that what makes a great professor isn't the term DR. but rather the knowledge that they are no better than anyone else...watching 2046 tonight.

bereaucratic bullshit

im a trouble-maker...a rabble-rouser as they so delightfully called me in tongues that vaguley resemble that of 1920 gin bootleggers...who even uses that term anymore "rabble-rouser" i am a threat to the university and to the athletic administration. The problem here is this: FACE BOOK. I spoke out against the perils of facebook and its inherent ability to foster stalkers and the obvious pornographic and social ramifications it could have. I named names. And to do that is to nail yourself to a cross of ink and newsprint. I am not officially Loyola's most wanted as far as causing disturbances and scenes as they call them. I am not under close watch for the fact that i spoke freely and openly about something that I felt could hurt people...even though the newspaper article was about the ban of student athletes on this phenomenon known as FACE BOOK. I am now imbued with even more fuel for my fire and intend to make as much of a "scene" as i possibly can before i leave this place, and it will be more than some petty internet humdrum....also my film premiered tonight...and it was WELL recieved and i spoke out against the dangers of the administration and freedom of speech and was once again censored for my words, this time amidst at least a hundred of my peers...front pages...i can see it now, the black helicopters circling my apartment...all in good time...scott you know this all too well, you know the dangers and you are the only one who can understand. god bless this fucking country and its demand for higher learning!